


The Vlog War

by needleyecandy



Series: Silly September [27]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alterate Universe-Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Crack, M/M, Post Avengers (2012), Thor does not like pop tarts so shut up, syrup used in ways unsanctioned by any maple trade association in the US or Canada
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-17 06:21:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8133542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needleyecandy/pseuds/needleyecandy
Summary: The battle for New York is over. The war for Midgard has just begun. And it's on YouTube.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [thorvaenn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorvaenn/pseuds/thorvaenn) in the [ThorLokiPromptMeme](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/ThorLokiPromptMeme) collection. 



> This prompt probably crosses into the "weirdly specific" territory but I'd like to see a fic where Thor and Loki are famous youtubers, possibly Loki being a make-up guru (drag queen even maybe) and Thor does videos about fitness and healthy lifestyle (or you can totally switch it to something else and not follow the stereotypes). They are for some reason adversaries and snipe at each other through vlogs and videos.. until suddenly they have a shared vlog full of post-coital bliss.  
> Or something.  
> As cracky as you'd like.
> 
> Enjoy!

Thor was just drying off from his shower when he heard Tony give a shout. He stuck his head out the door of his rooms. "What did you say?" 

"I said there's another video," Tony yelled. "Hurry up and get in here, everyone. Pronto." 

"I will start the corn popping," Jarvis added. "It should be ready in approximately three and one half minutes." 

Thor dried off hurriedly and pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a soft gray shirt. He threw a towel around his shoulders to catch the drips from his damp hair and went barefoot to the viewing lounge. The cool granite floor felt like a dream to his tired feet. 

The others wandered in to join them, collapsing into what had quickly become their standard seats. 

"Everyone want salt and butter?" Steve called from the kitchen. 

"Yes," Tony answered. 

"Yeah," agreed Clint and Natasha. 

"I don't see why you insist on waiting for popcorn before watching my brother's videos," Thor told them. 

"It's not for watching the video," said Clint. 

"It's for watching you watch the video," explained Natasha. 

"It still makes no sense to me." 

"Earth thing. You wouldn't understand," Tony told him. 

"It's frustrating, though. I don't see why Tony Stark, of all people, can't trace his upload location and hunt him down," Clint said. 

Tony huffed. "Because he doesn't upload. The video just appears on the servers out of nowhere. And I'm working on it." 

Clint rolled his eyes but said nothing. 

Bruce found Loki's videos far too infuriating to risk watching them, so when Steve arrived with a huge bowl of popcorn in each hand they were all gathered. He gave one bowl to Clint and Natasha as they settled onto a loveseat before he sat between Tony and Thor on the couch. 

"Okay, Jarvis," Tony said. 

The television - if it could even be called something so simple, with the screen covering half the wall - sprang to life and there was Loki, glowering down at them. 

"I shall begin by addressing my brother's ridiculous claim that I wet the bed until I was four hundred," he announced. "This is completely and utterly false. What is not false, however, is the fact that Thor cried over fairy tales until he was five hundred and fifty. Anyone who doubts me on this is free to consult our nanny." 

"That is _not_ true!" Thor cried hotly. 

"It's okay, buddy. I was a sensitive kid, too," Steve said. 

"But I didn't-" 

"Another thing you should know is that for all of the swooning and whatnot over him, he's not half as good a date as you all seem to think he is. Oh yes, have a _marvelous_ time sitting there while he eats five more entrees after you're done with your own meal. Good luck getting to your movie on time." 

"That happened only once! And Jane forgave me. I had just spent twelve hours carrying steel beams among places the machinery could not easily reach. It is only natural that I was particularly hungry that evening." Thor glared over at the other seat, where Clint and Natasha were working their way noisily through the popcorn. 

Clint paused, looking guilty. Natasha shrugged and kept eating. 

"And if you take him home, you'd better be prepared to go hungry the next morning. He will eat all your poptarts without even asking. I've seen him do it. I sat on my throne and watched the whole thing." 

"That is a terribly low blow, even for Loki," said Thor, wounded. "I don't even like poptarts. I was trying to be polite and eat only the least appealing foods I could find while I waited for my friends to wake. We had already agreed to go out for our meal." 

"It's okay," Steve said again. He reached over and patted Thor's knee. 

"Seriously? He stabbed you in the gut but it's poptarts you get all butthurt over?" said Tony. 

"My muscles burn a lot of calories," Thor said. Despite being the elder, he had kept his baby fat nearly a century after Loki had shed his, and it remained a somewhat sensitive topic. 

"Of course." 

"I'm not a glutton." 

"Thor is a _glutton_ ," Loki declared from the screen. 

When the display faded to black, Thor sprang to his feet. "How many views has he gotten?" 

Jarvis exited the full screen display and Clint gave a low whistle. 

"Ninety thousand views just in the past eleven minutes? I have to hand it to him, that's not bad," said Natasha. 

"It's terrible!" Thor told her. "I must prepare my reply. It is only right that people learn the truth." 

"All right, but don't post it too soon. You don't want to look like you're desperate," Tony warned. 

"Incidentally, that is also what Mr. Stark used to say about telephoning his dates. Until Miss Potts, of course," volunteered Jarvis. 

"And it worked, too." 

"Until Miss Potts." 

"The exception that proves the rule." 

"Indeed." 

"That's how it works." 

"Yes, sir." 

"It is." 

"Of course." 

"Jarvis, I forbid you to have the last word on this." 

Jarvis gave a polite sniff. 

* 

It had all begun five weeks earlier, almost to the day. The battle of New York had been fought and won in a surprisingly brief period of time, the Chitauri soundly defeated and the triumph of Thor and the mortals so close to complete, lacking only the capture of its mastermind. Thor was secretly glad, though he admitted it to none but himself - and even then only late at night and alone - that Loki had evaded capture at the last moment. He did not like the thought of dragging Loki home in chains, nor of the punishment their father would order upon their return. So he remained on Midgard, offering his strength and wisdom to aid in the rebuilding of the city, and listening for word of his brother. 

Had he known what Loki was planning, he might have gone home after all. 

The first one appeared without fanfare; just another video in a sea of videos. It took days before it, as Tony said, 'went viral.' 

The parallel to a contagion was apt; by the time Thor learned of the video, it already had several thousand comments focused mainly on his brother's (admittedly attractive) appearance. The mortals seemed completely unfazed by the fact that Loki had tried to enslave their entire realm and destroy one of its most beloved cities. Thor thought of how viruses reproduced, the way they used the host's own cells to replicate itself. That really was more Loki's usual style than was a direct attack. Turn enough mortals to his side and his work would be done with nothing more than the flash of a dazzling smile and the sparkle of beautiful eyes and... 

….and utterly mortifying lies about Thor. 


	2. Chapter 2

Of course Thor made his own video response, explaining the truth behind his brother's lies. His friends had been more than glad to aid him in his rebuttal, offering their help with the primitive equipment. Perhaps he should have listened somewhat more to Bruce and Steve, who urged moderation, than to Tony and Clint, who egged him on.

Loki's response came soon after, and so the war began.

*****

Loki had been waiting for _days_ for Thor to post another video. He knew his brother was being held back by one of his dismal little mortals; Thor was not the sort to wait when he could come out swinging.

Which, it turned out, was exactly what he did in the start of his next video. Right into the side of the camera.

"Oh! You did not tell me you were going to move closer. Did I break it?" Thor asked.

"No, I made a housing of adamantium. We're good to go," came a voice from off-camera.

Loki curled his lip. "Stark," he hissed.

Stark got the camera righted and zoomed in on Thor's face.

"Greetings, my friends," Thor began.

Loki snorted. That was just Thor all over. Friends with _everybody._

"I am making this video to correct the untruths that have recently be said about me. First of all, I have approximately five hundred pounds of muscle. Simply to maintain this muscle requires five thousand kilocalories per day. When you consider the amount of energy I use in saving your realm, you can see that my food consumption is in truth quite moderate. _Hardly_ gluttonous, whatever some may say," Thor said, speaking right into the camera.

"Oooh, look at me, the Mighty Thor. I weigh six hundred and forty pounds, like that's not just excessive," Loki mocked. He looked around at the blank faces of his servants. "Well? _Laugh,_ " he ordered.

They just needed a little help to see how funny he was. Then they laughed so much that he nearly missed what Thor was saying next.

"Hush."

They hushed.

"In order for you to better understand my dietary requirements, in this video I will be showing you a typical day in my life on here on Midgard presented in a series of video clips, newly scored by my friend Beyoncé."

"Shit, he's got Beyoncé? Who do we have?" Loki demanded.

The lackeys blinked at each other.

"Well, who can we get?"

"I heard Taylor Swift is trying to get in the tabloids..." offered one.

Loki snarled. "Is that the best you can do?"

"We do have some blackmail photos of Adele," said someone else.

"Her. Get her. I need her on my videos full-time."

One disappeared with a bow, and Loki turned his attention back to the screen. As Thor had promised, it showed bits from throughout his day, nearly every waking moment spent in aiding with the work of rebuilding New York. At last the stirring music drew to a close. "Adele better be on her game," Loki muttered to himself as the video continued with testimonies about Thor from several construction workers.

"Oh, yeah. With Thor helping it's like having a whole extra steamroller around," said one man as he rubbed at his dirt-smeared face.

"We call on Thor when there's something our cranes just can't handle," agreed another. "Not only can he carry a heavier load, he can fit something into place in thirty seconds that would take our machines an hour."

The not-Hulk followed the interviews with a chart explaining the high caloric needs of muscle, then calculations of the amount of energy required to lift a single steel I-beam for one minute. "...and that's what he does all day, every day, to help the people of New York," he concluded.

Loki snorted. "Oh, like he's so special just because he's so busy rebuilding things he can't find the time for a mani-pedi. Just look at his nails."

"I heard that he's been signed to promote a line of hair products in return for ten percent of the profits going to buy textbooks for schools in the developing world," said a servant.

"I think the bathroom needs a good scrubbing," Loki said pointedly. He did not stop staring until the idiot left the room with slumped shoulders.

"-that I must use hormones or steroids of things of that sort, but I do not," Thor was saying. "I am by my very nature mighty" - and here Loki rolled his eyes - "but it is not impossible for you too to strive for greatness. Yes, my friends. In my upcoming videos, I am going to teach you all how to be heroes."

" _Remind them to subscribe. People forget to check back,_ " came Stark's voice.

"Ah, yes. Thank you." Thor pointed to the upper right corner of the screen in a gesture that could have been awkward but it really wouldn't matter as it also displayed Thor's biceps far too well for his viewers to notice anything else. "Please click this button to subscribe to my channel."

The video ended and the countdown circle for the next video began to swirl.

Loki sat in thought for a time before a laugh began to peal from his lips. He looked around at his servants. "Thor says he can make them into heroes? Well, I say I can make them into something fun."


	3. Chapter 3

Loki stood proudly, sneering down at the camera. The effect was diminished by the background music, something so light and poppy Thor could almost smell the cherry-scented lipgloss. A stack of gossip rags sat on the coffee table, all blaring headlines like _Adele Sex Romp With Seventeen GQ Models_ and _Adele: I Love Having A Male Harem And I'm Not Hiding Anymore_.

"I don't think TayTay is the best soundtrack for this," Tony said.

"It's certainly bringing in another demographic," said Clint.

Steve waved his hand at them. "Sssh, he's about to talk."

"The first thing in becoming a supervillain is deciding what sort you would like to be. It was easy for me, being the god of lies and chaos, but most of you have some major decisions to make. I would suggest, if you're unsure, that you consider some variant of the Mad Scientist or Evil Genius. Both of these fields show tremendous growth opportunities."

"He sounds like he's trying to sell a timeshare," said Natasha.

"What's wrong with timeshares?" Thor asked, worried.

"Only that it's a huge-" began Bruce, but his voice was quiet, and Loki drowned him out.

"Next is your motivation. Insecurity is a big one. _Really_ big. Revenge is another, and these are both good ways to get people to sympathize with you and think maybe you're not so bad after all. Play it well enough and they'll even start writing overly sentimental fiction about you and arguing that you can't be held responsible for your actions. It's great. But I would caution you, don't rule out sheer greed or the raw lust for power too easily. These are both classics and deserve your respect, if you respect anything, which I don't suggest you do. I certainly don't, myself."

Thor nodded. "That is true, I can personally attest to it. I remember when Loki was six hundred – old enough to know better – and he snuck into our father's throne room and-"

"Then it is a just matter of getting the right look and collecting followers. Begin working on those four things, and in an upcoming video I will provide you with a helpful sample assignment."

He fell silent and glared menacingly into the camera until the video came to a close.

"I gotta admit, he does look pretty hot in that one," said Natasha. "You're going to have to bring out the big guns in your next video."

"Do you really think that would impress people more than Mjolnir? She does, after all, answer to my thoughts. At your current rate of technological progress, you will not have similar weapons for approximately one and a half millennia."

" _Guns_ is New York slang for arm muscles. She means go with the sleeveless look," Bruce explained.

"Ah. I see. It is most frustrating when the Allspeak fails me."

"Yeah, technology is great when it works," Tony said, his voice loud and viperous.

"That was over two weeks ago, sir, and I was performing a self-diagnostic which you yourself had scheduled," answered Jarvis.

"Well, if it had gone more quickly-"

"I will wear a sleeveless shirt beneath my armor," Thor interrupted. When Tony and Jarvis got going they could easily take all day and he was just as eager to begin his next video as his brother had clearly been. If even a hundredth of his regular viewers took up his challenge to fight evil in all its guises, Midgard would become a most unappealing target for anyone from the pettiest of intergalactic criminals right up to massive invasion forces.

He devoted a day to planning before he began work on his next video.

***

From the way the minion threw himself on the floor, Loki knew it couldn't be good.

"What?" he demanded.

"Sir... Lord... um, Mas-"

"I told you. 'Great and Terrible Wondrous One.' You are to address me as 'Great and Terrible Wondrous One.'" He'd made a few changes to his title recently, trying to determine which fit him best, and it was difficult to do so when the servants kept forgetting which one was to be used that day.

"Forgive me, great and terr-"

"Capitals. 'Great and Terrible.' Try again."

"Forgive me, Great and Terrible Wondrous One, but-"

"I think an 'Oh' at the beginning might sound better. Try it like that."

The answering sigh came far too close to impudence. "Forgive me, Oh Great and Terrible Wondrous One..." He paused.

"Yes? What?" Loki snapped.

"Your brother has released another video. It is loaded and ready for your viewing."

Loki jolted to his feet. "You should have said so at once," he snarled. Barton would never have been so stupid. Neither would Selvig, but at least releasing him had been a strategic decision. He went- no, no, he _strode,_ that scared them more – he strode into the living room-turned-command center where he found the video paused on the waiting laptop and no servants about at all.

"Ice cream!" he barked. "And if we're out of Dippin' Dots there'll be my daughter to pay."

"That's actually a totally different hell, sir," came a voice from the door. "They're just homophones."

Loki whirled and blew a blast of frost to her face. "I'll _thank you_ not to speak so dismissively about my daughter," he hissed. "There is nothing wrong with being a homophone."

Shards of ice fell to the floor as she shook her head in agreement. "No, sir. I'll go get your dots."

"I believe you mean 'Oh Great and Terrible-'" he yelled, but she was already gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Loki hit the space bar and Thor's frozen image sprang to life. "I'm not going to lie to you," Thor began.

"There's your first mistake, brother," Loki crowed at the screen. "They are nothing more than ants, and they crave lies as they do subjugation, for-"

"No, my friends, I'm not going to lie, as my brother would. I will tell you the truth and trust you to decide for yourselves. Loki looks at you and sees nothing more than a mass of insects waiting for him to seize control of the hive. I do not. It will take a great deal of hard work, dedication, and sacrifice, but you _can_ become a hero."

"Ha! He's just lost half his audience," Loki said, pleased.

"I myself am not familiar with the exercises required to strengthen your bodies, for what you see here is my natural physique, so some of my friends have agreed to join me to offer their expert guidance in the training you will need."

The camera cut to Banner in his smaller aspect. Despite how tedious it was, Loki had developed a relative fondness for this version quite recently.

"You really want me to do this?" he asked, his gaze to the left of the camera.

"Midgard needs heroes," came Thor's voice. It was just as stupidly deep and masculine as always and Loki's eyes narrowed.

Loki snorted but he was robbed of the chance to make a clever retort when Banner spoke again too soon.

"Well, okay... first of all, when you're building muscle, it's important to get a lot of protein. Meats, fish, egg whites are the go-to for most people. And don't be afraid of carbs, but keep your focus off the starchy ones. Broccoli is good. After a workout, since you'll be thirsty anyway, put some whey powder into your drink. It's a good way to get some more protein in there. I think that's the basics."

"Thanks, my friend," Thor boomed. "And now Captain America is here to talk to us about exercises."

The camera turned to the star-spangled travesty. He nodded curtly. "All right, I'm going to take you through a set of exercises designed to build strength, endurance, and flexibility. Like Thor said, it's hard work, but I did all these before I became Captain America, and you can do it too."

Fortunately, Loki's ice cream arrived just as the 'curl' demonstrations began. There was something particularly decadent about eating dessert while watching someone else lift weights, he decided. His bowl was nearly empty when Thor reappeared on the screen.

"Ah, you have returned, brother. But there is one area in which you have forgotten to train your followers. Many great and terrible deeds can be performed without-"

"Nor is physical might the only path for you to become a hero," Thor began. "Perhaps there is a reason, through birth or injury or illness, that this is not the path for you. Wisdom is a great and powerful weapon, and as the villains of your realm become less unskilled in technology it will be necessary to counter them in this sphere as well. As my good friend Steven Hawking says, this path demands equal rigor in the following but at the end there is equal opportunity for glory."

"Ha! Now none of them - if any remain - will bother rising from their chairs. Thor will lead a paltry army of keyboard warriors while at my back shall rise a battalion."

The video ended with Thor urging his followers to not delay. "The time to become a hero is now," he said.

Loki paused it before it could continue with the next video, one of Thor's earlier works. He went to his bedroom to begin the arduous task of deciding which armor he wanted to be wearing as his army destroyed the city.

He was on the fifth set when there was a knock on the door. "What?"

A lackey slipped into the room. "Oh Great and Powerful-"

"Yes? What?"

"I think you may want to look out the window."

Loki stalked over to peer out.

The street was blocked – not a single car in sight – by _joggers._ A few, despite the midday heat, wore long blond wigs, and some carried replicas of Mjolnir. Scattered among them were wheelchair users, arms pumping as furiously as the legs of their companions. They were of all of sizes and shapes and genders and ages. Besides the fact that they were all flooding the streets together, they had only one thing in common. Shirts with Thor's witless face beaming from the front and his stupid name written across the back. The stream of people was steady for three more hours.

***

The videos came thick and furious after that.

Thor: "-think about all the good things in the world and how much you want to protect them-"

Loki: "- if you're not lucky enough to be an only child, take some time to think about how much you hate your horrible perfect brother-"

Thor: "- and jog two hours a day-"

Loki: "-in a pinch, a swinging wristwatch really can hypnotize someone-"

Thor: "- never fewer than twelve scoops of whey protein at every meal-"

Loki: "-nice scary smile, you take a big file, like this one. Now open wide-"

 

And then Loki had enough posturing. "Now that all of you are supervillains in training, it's time to test out your abilities. I want you to go to the Met and empty it of art. The reasons I have chosen this as your first target are as follows: items with a high intrinsic value are more fun to steal, because it makes people sadder; there are lots of entrances, which makes it difficult to guard effectively; and lastly because my brother used to have a crush on the statue of Apollo." He grinned, tight and feral. "Now go forth and take _everything_."

Tony was looking at Thor. "A statue, huh?"

Thor snorted. "It was the model, as Loki knows perfectly well. And he liked me back. Now get the camera, my new heroes must be summoned at once."

They filmed it all in a single shot; Thor generally liked to do a few takes at different angles, cutting them together to create the most appealing and engaging video, but there was no time for that now. Anyway, it was too short to need editing. He looked into the lens. "If you are a hero, and you are in New York City, come to the Met. You are needed." It was posted three minutes and seventeen seconds after Loki's.

The police really did make an attempt at crowd control. It may even have worked, but Loki had too many evil geniuses on his side, remotely disarming their puny military surplus weaponry. It meant that while the officers were busy extricating themselves from their assault vehicles, the heroes and the villains were left to face off unimpeded.

It was a glorious battle. Thor stood with Tony atop the museum, surveying the fight below. Thor had to admit, Loki had trained his villains well. They fought bravely and fiercely, but Thor's heroes were determined to protect the artwork inside, and they had put considerably more time into weight training.

Their numbers were evenly matched, and the fight lasted no more than ten minutes before several of the mad scientists set off a coordinated chain of stink bombs and in the ensuing stench the villains were able to slip away into the subways.

"Have you ever been to the Met?" Tony asked.

"I have not. I have been too busy rebuilding the city and training these new heroes."

Tony pointed. "There's a broken window. Come on."

 

"So which one of these statues is based on your old loverboy?" Tony asked as he and Thor walked through the classical galleries.

Thor pointed. "That one, up ahead on the right."

Tony stood at its base, looking up. "You know, it actually looks a lot like your crazycakes brother."

"Does it? I hadn't noticed," Thor said.

 

Within half an hour, the first video of the fight, filmed from someone's apartment window, was on Youtube. In the half hour after that, it broke all the site's records. And the very next morning, Loki and Thor woke up to something completely unexpected in their inboxes.


	5. Chapter 5

_FanFest Invitation,_ read the subject line. Intrigued, Loki opened it.

_Dear Loki,_

_As I'm sure you are well aware, your videos have shattered all previous records on YouTube. The fans love you! Now it's time for you to feel that love in person. You are invited to YouTube FanFest LA, happening in three weeks, as our special surprise guest! You will have the final and most important time slot, the very last to take the stage because no one could hope to follow you. You would be our guest, flown first class and accommodated in one of the luxury suites at the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons, Los Angeles' most luxurious hotel. We hope you can join us! Please reply within the next three days to confirm your presence at this amazing event!_

_Feeling the love,_

_Tim_

Loki sat back and pictured it. The room going dark and his voice echoing out through the packed hall, and then the lights bursting onto the stage to reveal him standing there sneering down at him. How they would scream, how they would cry his name, how they would do _anything_ he asked. There was no doubt in his mind. He was going.

He replied four days later. _I will attend along with four of my servants for whom you will also provide all necessary arrangements._

An hour later the boarding passes arrived in his inbox.

*****

"Mr Odinson, you have an email with a subject line of particular interest. Shall I open it and read it to you?" Jarvis asked.

Thor chuckled. "I have told you many times, my friend, you may call me Thor. But yes, please read me the letter."

"I would prefer to call you _Your Highness,_ but Mr Stark's somewhat erratically egalitarian programming forbids me. The subject of the letter is the 'YouTube FanFest."

The contents of the letter were very gratifying. From the comments on his videos, Thor knew that he was making an impact the realm over, but he had personally witnessed it only here, in New York.

"Please reply that I will be pleased to attend, and that I will need two seats on the plane in order to accommodate my arm muscles. The Penthouse Suite at the hotel will suit me well."

"I will answer at once, sir."

He was in the middle of his breakfast – a side of bacon, four pounds of hash browned potatoes, and three cantaloupes, for he had a day full of hard work ahead of him – when Jarvis told him that the boarding pass for his flight had arrived.

He spent the next three weeks working harder than ever at rebuilding the city, making up for the time that he would be away. On the day of his journey he rose early and arrived at the airport at ten am, ready for his eleven am flight. He did not fit inside the scanning machine, but as his weapon hung quite clearly from his belt, there was little purpose to it anyway.

The security agent shrugged. "I guess you're basically the best air marshall ever," she said. "Have a good flight."

He enjoyed his flight very much. The flight attendants made sure he was comfortable and gave him all the peanuts left over from economy class, and he passed several pleasant hours munching on them and signing autographs.

The first was for a little girl in a red cape and swirling black braids. “You’re my hero, Thor,” she said as she stared adoringly up at him.

“You really are. I can’t pay her to take this cape off,” said her mother. "I'm sorry to bother you."

“Please do not apologize, it is always an honor to meet a valiant lady." He looked down at the girl. "Would you like to help me lift Mjolnir?”

“Would I ever!”

He unclasped his hammer and set her in the aisle by the girl's feet. “Now you put your hand here, and I’ll put mine behind it, and on the count of three we will lift her together. Ready? One – two – three!”

Mjolnir shared his joy, and she leapt to his command with particular enthusiasm.

“Whoa,” said the little girl, her eyes wide as dinner plates.

“I believe that means you are to be a hero when you grow up,” he told her.

*****

Loki's flight was at three in the afternoon. He walked through the archway and the metal detector went off. "Of course it did," he snapped. "I'm wearing armor."

"I'm sorry, sir. I need you to remove all metal."

He snorted and held out his arms while the lackeys removed his outer layer, leaving him in his simple breeches and tunic.

The alarm went off again.

"My hair pins," he sighed.

They were removed, and again it sounded.

"I can wand you," offered the agent. She ran it around him without it making a sound until she reached his groin. She looked up. He sighed and pulled out a foil-wrapped cucumber.

"I can't _believe_ you used up the last of the cling wrap," he hissed at one of his servants.

She wanded him again and let him pass. He stalked towards his gate. The lackeys would catch up.

The flight was loathsome. There was nothing to eat but peanuts, even though the other first class passengers had full meals (“We must have lost your reservation, sir,” said the flight attendant through tight lips) and he ate them in a foul temper, staring out at the clouds.

Partway through the flight he noticed the reflection of a small child standing at the end of the row staring at him.

“What does it want?” he yawned to the lackey beside him.

They whispered together and then the lackey spoke. “He’s a huge fan of yours. He wants to be a supervillain when he grows up.”

“ _Does_ it?” Loki asked with a spark of interest. “Tell it that it may have a five percent discount on one of my name-brand tooth files.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do love Loki so much, but I just couldn't send him through airport security without a Spinal Tap moment.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and of course a Keanu reference, because no movie will ever speak to my heart like one about two nerds who love a kitten. Sorry if I missed up your geography, LA folks, google isn't clear about where neighborhood names change.
> 
> Also, I'm not sure how well known Gallagher is outside the US and a certain age range. He's a comedian who smashes things, mainly watermelons, with a mallet. Yes, I know.

Loki tested all the beds in the suite before making his selection.

"I will sleep on this one tonight, the one in the blue bedroom tomorrow night, and the silver bedroom the night after that. You may sleep in the bathtubs," he graciously allowed.

The lackeys thanked him profusely. He did not allow them such luxuries back home, but this was vacation for them as well. Within an hour he had each television set playing a different porn on pay-per-view and was eating a Belgian waffle covered with whipped cream and strawberries.

"Find the recipe for this," he ordered. "When I find a way to retake control of Asgard, I want them to make these for me every night."

There were two days before he was scheduled to appear. He passed them in his room, eating room service, running up the movie bill – he had still not recovered from Tim’s overly familiar tone in his email, and he took particular delight at the thought of the man having to pay a bill for ‘Anal Virgins Chocolate Party’ (in which, he was disappointed to find, there was absolutely no chocolate at all) – and phoning old people to ask them if their refrigerators were running.

The morning of his grand appearance, he decided he wanted to do something different. The hotel guest book showed a swimming pool on the roof, next to the equipment needed by the pathetic mortals to maintain their musculature. He put on his robe and strode to the elevator.

*****

Thor had what he was sure had to be the nicest suite in the hotel. It was small, by the standards of the crown prince of Asgard, but he recognized that Tim had done his best to offer him appropriate accommodations. He flipped through the guide book to the city helpfully provided by the hotel, deciding where to spend his first evening. Tim had hinted, in his follow-up email, that the event organizers would prefer it if he kept a low profile, perhaps remaining in his room, until the time of his appearance, but that was simply not his nature. He had found great happiness in meeting the people of this realm, and this City of Angels was new to him. He turned the pages until he found a map. “The fashion district,” he mused. “Perhaps I might find the red lounge coat I have been wanting.”

He took a taxi to seventeenth street. “Thank you, driver, I will go to this bar and ask for advice about where I might find that for which I seek.”

“Are you sure?” asked the driver.

“Yes, of course.”

An hour later, he had eaten a hearty dinner, persuaded the mighty warriors of the Seventeenth Street Blips to join him in his fight for good, and been given directions of where he might acquire the coat of his dreams. “They’re closed now, but if you come back tomorrow we’ll take you there,” said one dancer as she wiggled her butt in his face.

He leaned to one side so he might speak to her face. “Thank you, that would be most kind."

He did go back the next day, and three of the dancers went shopping with him to offer their advice. “Not that one, the color is all wrong for you, baby,” they said when he tried one.

“No, that cut makes you look like you’re trying too hard,” they told him with another.

Eventually he tried one that all four agreed was perfect. He gave them a hearty amount of gold to make up for the tips they had kindly foregone to join him, and returned to the hotel.

It was on this elevator ride that he was spotted.

“Oh my god, Thor!” said a young man of perhaps fifteen years of age. “You’re my hero!”

“I am gratified to hear it."

“I watch all your videos and I've been training really hard, plus I'm trying to bring my grades up like Mr. Banner said. I wanted to ask, though, Captain America showed something with the weights that I was kind of confused about…”

“I will put my new garment in my room and meet you in the hotel gym, if that would be helpful.”

The boy’s eyes nearly fell from his head. “Wow, that would be amazing. Yeah. Yes. I’ll change and be there in five minutes.”

When Thor arrived, it was not just the boy. It was perhaps two hundred people, boys and girls, all gazing upon him with reverent eyes. “Well,” he said, “let’s get to work!”

They cheered as one, and he passed a very enjoyable afternoon making the rounds of the machines and free weights, helping people with their form. There was not time enough that day, and so he promised to return the next morning when the gym opened. He walked past the swimming pool and down to his room for a well-earned room service dinner.

It was the next morning, right when he was encouraging a young woman that heavier weights were good for all people, not men only, and that she deserved to be proud of her strength, when he heard a loud splash from the pool area and glanced up.

*****

The MC ("Hi there, I'm Tim!" like anybody cared) stood fidgeting at the podium. “And now, appearing together for the first time since the battle for New York, the Odinson brothers!”

It was the fourth time he had said it, and he was beginning to sweat. Some jeered him, their mocking voices echoing through the hall for way too long. Others felt badly for him, but some of them had traveled a long way – flying from other continents, even – and it wasn't unreasonable for them to expect something more impressive than a blank stage for the 'surprise guest finale.'

“Wow, um… it looks like they’re running a little late. Should we get a crew together and go find them?”

The crowd went wild, and the crew hastily disassembled their cameras from the stands. “Let’s go, guys,” Tim said, and they set off towards the elevator. Their cameras had live feeds to the four screens in the viewing room.

The elevator doors slid shut and all four cameras turned on Tim. "Well, this is an adventure, isn't it? We've never had a FanFest like this one before! I bet we're going to..." He rambled on while the crowd turned its attention to one another. There was a huge array of people here, tons of Loki fans clustered together on one side of the room and tons of Thor fans on the other, who seemed to be even greater than their true number due to their considerable physical bulk. Between them sat a group of PewDiePie fans copying his flippy hair and another of Jenna Marbles fans all wearing the same choker set she seemed to wear in every video these days, while scattered about were others wearing the free shirts the VEVO staff had been frantically thrusting into any free hand they saw. Up front, a guy who looked like someone's dad seemed to think that maybe Gallagher was the surprise guest; the moment it was announced that in fact the guests were Thor and Loki, his neighbors started trying to steal his tarp. A fistfight broke out between someone in a Justin Bieber VEVO tank and someone in a Selena Gomez VEVO tee.

Their attention was drawn back to the screens when the cameras reached Thor's door. Tim knocked on it, first timidly, as though not to disturb anyone, and then louder. His shoulders fell. "Well, let's see if we can find Loki," he said.

The fight picked up when the crew got back on the elevator and didn't hush again until Tim reached Loki's door. He didn't knock so politely here.

A voice snarled through the door. "What?"

"Hi, this is Tim, from YouTube..."

"Our panel! Come in, my friend," came a second voice.

Tim tried the door. "It's locked."

"Of course. Please stand back one moment."

Perhaps four seconds later Mjolnir came flying through the door, leaving the wood hanging in shards and splinters. Tim reached through and unlocked the door.

They wandered deeper into the suite, looking into room after room, until-

"Oh my god," Tim said, turning away. The cameras were turned swiftly upwards but it was too late; everyone in the audience had gotten a glimpse of Thor and Loki in bed together. There had been a lot of skin and a lot of motion so that while everyone could tell _what_ was happening it wasn't so easy to tell _who_ was doing it.

"Thor's fucking Loki!" yelled someone from the left side of the room. It was a sea of red capes over there.

"Loki's fucking _Thor_ ," answered someone on the right.

"Settle down, please, I'm trying to hear!" called the dad.

It would have been easier to hear what they were saying if Tim weren't still muttering, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," but it couldn't be said that he didn't add to the experience. The cameras were pointed away, two at the floor, two at the ceiling, and they were shaking like the cameramen were either laughing or crying. Maybe some of both, the crowd decided.

"...and I was in the middle of speaking with a young woman – she is likely in your audience right now, hi Maya! - when I heard a splash from the pool and glanced up at the noise. Someone rose up from beneath the water, his back to me and a head of raven-black hair streaming behind him. He had the sort of build that looks slighter than it is, because of all those long, lean muscles and if _you_ don't know what I'm talking about I know some of the people watching do, and-"

"No one's watching," Tim interrupted. "This is supposed to be an all-ages event. The cameras are filming the ceiling. And I thought you had a girlfriend..."

"Miss Foster expressed a desire to see other people, as my time has been so devoted to hero training. My apologies, we will try to make a better attempt at avoiding the noisy bed spring."

"I won't," said Loki.

Tim let out a whimper. That was when the joints started getting passed around the hall.

"So, as I was saying, I saw this figure rising up, and then he turned, and it was my brother!"

"Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but what do you mean by all-ages event?" Loki asked.

He sounded way too polite. "Don't fall for it, Tim! He already knows!" shouted someone at the screen. "When he sounds nice, that's when he's the most dangerous!" agreed someone else.

Tim fell for it. "It means that it is supposed to be appropriate for people of all ages. Nothing unsuitable for children."

"I see... oh, yes, Thor, fuck me harder..."

The red capes began to cheer as one. "Told you!" they gloated.

"If Loki's getting fucked it's only because it's part of his Master Plan of Genius," sneered the sharp-teeth.

Someone rushed the stage and grabbed the mic. "This entire conversation is heteronormative bullshit-" she began. It set the sound system haywire and security dragged her off but the damage was done, as her shouted _bullshit_ was now on endless reverb along with the sounds of Tim weeping quietly and Loki urging Thor "deeper, yes, pretend I hid an infinity stone in there," and, "if you don't make me come just from your dick then the terrorists win."

Best of all, Thor was still trying to carry on as though the interview was not fucked ten ways to Sunday. His breaths were getting short but he wasn't giving up. "So I told him I greatly desired for us to reconcile and he invited me back to his room for Belgian waffles. There's still some over there, if you are hungry... and we talked a long time about our relationship, and then we wound up in bed. It happens."

"There's no more syrup," Loki panted.

"That's true. The syrup is gone, but there are still strawberries and whipped cream. Please do help yourselves, you look faint."

"I poured it in Thor's ass and then I licked it out."

"We really should go..." said Tim.

"No way, man, free waffles," came a cameraman's voice.

"That's right, brother, treat me like I did New York."

"It is unwise to speak to me of New York, brother. I'm still cleaning up after you."

 

"Ooo.... mmm, it seems all I have to do is make you angry..."

"Then grab the waffles and get out," Tim ordered. " _Fast_."

Two of the screens jostled as cameras were passed around.

"You want it hard, brother? I will tell you what is hard. Hard is carrying steel I-beams around all day."

"Forget the waffles!"

"No! They're free!"

"Hard is watching your beloved brother die and then learning he faked it."

"Yes, Thor, that's perfect, I like it hard, ruin me like your pop-tarts..."

"I **hate** pop-tarts! I was simply being a polite houseguest!"

"Yes! Yes! Just like that..."

The mics picked up a clatter of dishes and then the images of the ceiling tiles were jostling again. The voices grew dim and were lost and the crowd was left with nothing at all.

For a minute it felt anticlimactic - which, after all, it literally was. But then the power went out and some people started screaming while others just gave up and left. It was one of these who returned and announced that the best lightning in years was filling the sky.

They poured outside as one, ignoring the cold rain, all of them mingling together in one mass of humanity as they watched the vibrant bolts tangling across the sky, all of them churning and swirling in silent and peaceful chaos.

 

 

The brothers stood at the window, arms around each other's waists, gazing down upon it all.

"So who won?" Loki asked.

Thor chuckled and pulled him closer. "One day, brother... one day you will understand."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all the friendly feedback! If you enjoyed this, please let me know!


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